Happimess.

It’s been a struggle at work today. I just haven’t seem to have found the inspiration to. My mind’s been all over the place and for someone who’s pretty focused, this always seems to unsettle the horse in me. As a result, I decide to have coffee. Something I usually avoid because my heart and mind seem to race at the speed of lightning. To be honest, I secretly miss that feeling. I used to be an avid coffee drinker but somewhere I stopped because I was always so clustered in the brain that I would freeze. Funnily enough, I have been really calm lately and even though that’s a great thing, it’s a fairly new feeling for me to get used to. Amidst this all I realize how I hadn’t written in a while, so I open wordpress only to find that it had been 17 months and 20 days since I last wrote. That also means I have been an absolute mess since the past 14 months. 3 months and 20 days would probably be recovery time and today is a beautiful day.

I even had a “#thoughtsoncoffee – If I can recognize your hands, know that I love you.

That’s me. A creep basically. There is just one person in my 25 years of living whose hands I remembered. I don’t anymore is the good news, but I remember that feeling of knowing how his hands looked like, how I could sketch them with my eyes closed. How I could intricately shade every curve to perfection and I haven’t’ felt that sort of love ever. That is when I knew in that instance that for me it does come down to this.

Coming back to it’s been a while since I wrote… here I am writing my first article of the year! Feels pretty darn good, I have to admit!

I don’t have anything in particular to say so I’m just going to rant because that’s what I want to do. Like I said, I’m all over the place and there are so many things racing in my mind. I’m sure you’ve experienced that before.. or you’re lucky if you haven’t.

The entire day, I’ve just been thinking about how much more I need to grow as a person. Every person has a reason to be here, and while I may still be figuring what my purpose of existence might be, I do believe in constantly being the best I can and being a better person. I have always believed that there is no better teacher than travel. I want to go to every corner of the world and make memories. learn about things I didn’t even know may have existed. I want to meet people. I want to share the love I have inside me. I want to love everyone. I want to accept the love that comes my way. I have so much to give. I want to give. I want to be a person with a biggest heart that ever existed in the face of humanity (especially considering the fact that I feel like I have a small heart). Ever wanted to be that person? I just don’t know where to start. I even get scared talking to anyone about it because I don’t know if anyone would ever understand my desperation. I don’t want to freak anyone out or say things where the listener’s basically like okay, she’s flipped her nut! I don’t care what they think but what’s the point in sharing my thoughts with somebody when they may not understand me. Yeah, I won’t know until I try but I need signs to know that one may understand. I can see how it would be difficult for someone to understand.

I’ve also been thinking about love lately and about putting myself out there again. I only recently broke up, a long overdue break up. But there is this one guy.. I do find myself being weirdly me with him, because I really didn’t think it would happen. I wasn’t trying or looking even. It just happened. It confuses me at times. That is why the timing of this article is ironical because I was such a different person a year back while writing my last article and I am in such a better place right here, right now. I do like that. I only hope for it to be better. I know life has it’s ups and downs, but I don’t know what it is in my heart, it’s this inkling where I just feel like there don’t have to be downs. I can get what I want. I can be who I want. I can do what I wish to and the world is at my feet. I feel powerful in a good way, in a way where I feel like no-one can touch me. No one can shake me. I feel strong. I just don’t know if I’ve made my peace with that feeling. Because I’ve never experienced this before but i am warming up to it! I’m happy with the way I am, how I am. Maybe I’ve accepted myself in a way, I hadn’t before. I just really desperately need to work on my communication skills and expressing myself when I really should. I have a major problem with that and I am working on it, yes. I am.

I was also rethinking my stand on completion of two souls. Do I want to complete someone else? I somehow don’t enjoy that phrase a lot. Or would I like for two souls to be whole by themselves and then meet, wouldn’t it be nicer that way? To just be whole by yourself? To not need anyone. Because then you have no selfish reason to be in it, you’re in it because you want to not because you need to because you’re incomplete. It just makes much more sense.

Anyhow. My take on love? I have always been a blind, die-hard, hopeless romantic. I have never been an ‘almost’ kind of girl. Neither have I ever been happy accepting almost. It did take me time to figure it out but I just can’t stand it. You’re either in it or you’re not. And the thing about that is, deep in your heart you know exactly what you want. You just need the courage to say it out loud. I can’t settle for ‘almost’. I can’t and I won’t. I would like you to give this your all because you will have my all. My 100 percent. My soul will be yours to keep safe. I would like you to keep it safe. Not almost keep it safe! I like being an extremist. There is just so much passion in it rather than being mediocre about things. That’s one thing I am passionate about, love. My world begins and ends with love.

Anyway. So, I may not feel as strongly as I have in the past, but I guess I have my reasons for that. I could dive, but I don’t like to swim or the water and i’d be diving into the shallow. Which intern is only going to hurt me so maybe i’ll just take the steps instead. You know? I feel safer like that. Not because I want to test the waters but for the simple reason that I am more comfortable doing that. Things at my pace, with no added stress or someone pushing me. I am in a pretty complicated situation if I must say. I just don’t trust myself to have so much patience and I’m scared to not be especially because I care. I hope I see this through because I do really like him. It’s just that it such a sad sad situation. Honestly, It doesn’t bother me because like I said, I didn’t “almost” trust him. I trusted him and hence I’m not worried. I want to see this through and that’s what matters. No one is forcing me to do this. I am voluntarily a part of this. I just hope to get the appropriate appreciation and consideration for it. Appreciation is key.

I don’t care about the money, I don’t care about fame, I just want to travel. For that yes, I do have to work, and work I will, but that isn’t what drives me to wake up every morning. It’s my dream to travel the world that does. I have a lump in my throat. That’s how overwhelming it is to talk about it. To make a difference, to inspire people in whatever it is they want to do. I hope that someday I can change the world. Change the way it works. Change the process of the way it works. Make people understand that the superficial things they care about shouldn’t matter. Just because you’re better off without them. You’re better of letting go of everything that’s holding you back and holding you back from reaching your highest potential. I do believe every person is capable of reaching a level of achievement high enough to astonish them! That’s what they need to believe in- themselves. That they can. They will. Everyone will. The world is a great place. Just let it be and don’t think otherwise.

I feel grateful for the family I have and the people I have around me. I know they say you can choose the kind of people you want in your life, and I want every single one of them because I have carefully selected them. That is why I think they deserve so much more from me than I offer and I try harder every single time because i just don’t think I do justice to them. The way everyone has always stood beside me no matter what and been there for me in times of need, it is the greatest gift of all time. The amount they love me, I feel it. Everyone, combined has taught me how to love. I wish i could express and make him understand this too. Trying to distance myself if I must at all, will make me very sad. I have spent 14 very important years of my life with these people and they are a part of me. Every single person in my life has taught me so much, has shown me so much. I am a little of everyone. I have a little of everyone I have ever come across and that’s what makes me, me. There is not a soul here that could replace me and that is because of the people in my life.

There is one person who might have brought upon and been responsible for a lot of change in my life and way of being in the recent past.. Little Samira. My baby niece. She’s going to be 18 months in exactly 8 days and she is the sweetest baby ever. I just look at her and atleast once a day have tears in my eyes, just looking at her, thinking, how beautiful and pure and honest this little child is. She’s exceptionally cute. I want her to grow up and think that I’m the best aunt ever. I want her to idolize me for all the right reasons, I want to be someone who she looks up to. It basically just boils down to that. I want to be the best for her so that when she grows up she’s proud that I am her masi.

Did you really think I was joking about being all over the place? I am a happimess and I do enjoy it.

Until next time,

This is the hensroom (:

31.08.2016

Love at 23.

You said ' The most beautiful one is for you'. I smiled and said, Thank you.

You said ‘ Here, this is for you, the most beautiful one’. I smiled and said, Thank You.

People lie when they say there has never been a dull day with their significant other. I don’t know why they do. I know now,you already knew. We weren’t ever told that a relationship was all hunky-dory, all stars and butterflies, but neither were we told just how difficult it was to sustain a relationship.

Nothing will make me love you less. Nothing you do. But things that you do, could make me love you more. I can’t even imagine what loving more would mean because I already love you so much, but I know if I could love you so much, I could love you more.

What’s scary in a relationship is that if I walk away, we both will survive. We both will move on but I will continue to love you. And so shall you. So then why would I want to walk away? I don’t.

There are days when we both feel unhappy. Maybe with each other, maybe with our situation, it might have nothing to do with you even but a thought will cross my head, asking me if I’m happy with you. I might be a cynic at that point. I’m not to be trusted then.

There are days of confusion and days of laconic replies. Long distance isn’t easy. There isn’t a single person who makes me happier more than you do. With you I understand what it means to be happy. But staying away from you is the hardest thing I have ever done. But I have the rest of my life to live with you. It should be okay, right? Tell that to my heart.

I have to do what I have to do. I put in my everything for you. My cards are on the table, well yours are too. After this, if things don’t work out, we’re not meant to be. It’s the irony in our situation. The Irony of loving when you’re 12. The Irony that we understand. You and I.

Until next time,

This is the Hensroom.

SHITTY INDIA!

We can be better.

We can be better.

I’m sure I have your attention. Now, before I start my article and you, start to judge me, I want to make one thing very clear – I love my country aka India and I’m extremely patriotic but not because of the way it is, its just because i’m Indian and I wish it didn’t have to be this way.

Happy Dusshera to all! Today, is when, we burn the so called villain in the Ramayana, Raavan. The labour class of our country thrives on this festival because it provides them with opportunities to earn whatever little money they can. They aren’t provided with any environment friendly material and the majority of our ever growing population couldn’t be bothered less.

No, this is not me on an anti-India rant, but more of a why aren’t we concerned – rant.

I have a question for everyone, what fun do you have looking at a 20 foot Raavan with, but obvious, 10 heads being burnt into ashes. I don’t and I’ll tell you why.

1. I have a dog. He goes crazy and drives everyone crazy in the house. The street dogs are hiding under cars waiting for this night to end! I’m sure the birds aren’t particularly enjoying this night either.

2. How is the pollution caused by millions of crackers inside his body not of any concern to you!

3. Indians are not enviromentalists. Accepted. Exceptions are always there, but you do care about yourself right? The amount of toxins you inhale are ridiculous.

And; Most Importantly, didn’t our Prime Minister JUST go on a ‘Swachh Banega Bharat’ trip? I mean come on, he just cleaned the streets himself only yesterday!! Do you want a clean India or not! What’s the deal guys?

Please explain to me HOW India is going to become ‘swach’ with your ridiculous wants to blow up a mythical character in order to dirty the streets and pollute the already polluted atmosphere we have?

Moving on to Durga Puja! I love pujos and how. Let’s just not question my love for anything to do with Bengal. The pandals are just gorgeous and the work force behind it is just outright genius. The whole environment of durga puja with the pandal hopping and the fish, the bhog (yummiest khicchdi ever), the jhaal moori, the ice cream eating competitions and the pretty lights, its perfect. But then we had to immerse the idol into the ocean and ruin it all. BOOM! Its almost like our aim is to make sure we completely destroy nature so that there is just no coming back from the damage done. Also, let’s not forget the lives lost in stampedes. We really never learn, do we?

Same goes with Ganesh Chaturthi! Ganesh ji is the cutest god ever. I mean I’m sure you agree! He loves ladoos. He acquired an elephant’s trunk and ears and he’s just too cute. You have a brilliant home coming for him and the maharastrans just LOVE their Ganesh Chaturthi. But then you also have people drunk out of their brain cells in the middle of the day and acting like hooligans on the street, blocking roads, causing inconvenience and lets not forget how you throw that orange color powder randomly on each other. Fine. I’ll let that go. You want some entertainment in life you can totally have it but again, you go immerse that absolutely beautiful god into the ocean. If you believe in god, I’m also sure you believe that he gave us nature. Why do you think he gave us nature? To destroy it so that he can create it again? You think this is a game, don’t you? I don’t know about anybody else but you sir are surely having fun!!

Huge quantities of non-biodegradable materials like chemical paints, plastic covers, zari and thermocol, that are used to make these Idols go into the water. The Rivers bear the brunt of Idol immersion while you conveniently go back to your house thinking your God is going to be so satisfied with you. The central and state pollution boards have guidelines to guard against river pollution but few take note, least of all the implementing agencies. If we really want to make this country a better place to live in and our taking cleanliness matters into our own hands, we really need to give this a thought because you are playing an active role in this mess that we have created.

Diwali, my favorite festival, is just around the corner. There is no better festival than Diwali, hands down. It is such a giving festival. You want to give each other presents. You want to spend time with family and friends, whether it might be drinking, playing cards or watching movies because there is always a movie released on Diwali. it is the festival of lights. I am sure you’ve seen how beautiful it all looks from that sky shot they take of India every year. It is pretty isn’t it? I’m just going to leave this article here and let you interpret what I would have written.

Please. Say no to crackers. Please.

Until next time,

This is Hensroom.

5 Things You Must Own As a Woman!

Within fashion exists endless amount of ideas and designs that inspire you to dress the way you do. Fashion also keeps changing with time and has us constantly obsessing over what is okay to wear and what really is not. Although, just like there are staples in everything, I have 5 staples for your wardrobe.

1. Plain White Tshirt

A bright, sunny hot and humid day outside and all you want is to go out in your comfort clothes. Your plain white t-shirt. The PWT is an essential building block for good style – whether you are pairing it with your go to Jeans or going rogue and mixing it with your ball gown. I love my PWT paired with my faded light blue jeans. I’ve been wearing this combination all my life. It’s something I will carry with myself to heaven. You know you can never go wrong with a plain white t-shirt and jeans combo. Ever.

2. A Leather Jacket

While the designs may change and grow over the years, the classic leather jacket has stood strong. Black. Brown. Tan. A leather jacket can be your go-to outfit for your night about town. It can be worn a million times and it ranks almost on the top of the clothing-that-doesn’t-deny-me-comfort line.

3. Black Stilettos

The footwear version of the LBD. Black shoes go with just about everything, but they can be tricky. So be very careful while picking a pair up. It can’t be dull and it can’t be too bling. Nothing too outlandish either. I personally like the scrappy ones.

4. Touches of Animal Print

Feeling feisty? Animal print brings out your wild side! Quite literally. The key to perfecting animal print has always been moderation. A scarf, a headband, a shirt with plain white pants, even a little bow on your shoe. It’s a classic that’ll never go out of style. Rawr.

5. A Smile Is Forever

If the fashionistas of the past and present could teach one thing, this would surely be this. All the clothes and beauty products in the world mean NOTHING if you’re miserable and uncomfortable in your own skin. Love yourself, be confident, smile, laugh, and never take life too seriously. Make fashion mistakes. Learn and grow. Don’t try to be perfect cause your flaws make you who you are. The fashion world loves little innocent flaws. So be your own fashion statement.

Yours sincerely,

Until next time,

This, is the Hensroom.

28.08.2014

 

Life is Not a Gamble

Is life a gamble?

Is a frequent question asked by the hoi polloi, more often than not. We can put on a face from 10-7, but there comes a moment in our day to day lives where you zone out and you ask yourself whether you’re playing a blind, or if this is what you want. Self-doubt never did any one any good and the fact of the matter is, that it never will.

I was speaking to a friend last night and I happened to be thinking out loud when I said I like the process of growing up! That is when I realised that I really do like the process of growing up!! I mean I look back and I think about my conversations not too long ago, say 2 years, and I was such a scatter brain! Just out of college, all I knew was that I wanted to be a journalist! Now, that was a tough process because I happened to do business in school and political studies in university and suddenly I decide that I want to be a sports journalist, keeping in mind my sporting career which I left behind. Now that is what I mean when I say I was a ditzy character. I was joining the rat race, but I didn’t know where or to what I was running to. But I was running because so was everyone else!

Life’s a funny one! Here I am today, jobless, but knowing exactly what I want from life. I’ve slowly started to calculate my every step. I’m not running a blind race anymore. I have a vision. I have an aim. I mean, I even have long term goals!! That never even existed in my vocab. I have expectations from myself. I’m not disparaging myself anymore. I actually think I’m one of those vivacious and resplendent characters you know? So the other day, when I was thinking about how I reached this place, I realised I was conscious of myself changing all through out. I remember the inbetweeners so crystal clear.

Everyone isn’t fortunate enough to become so sound, so soon. I’m sure I still have a long way to go but at this moment, I’m at peace with the path I’m taking, whatever that might be, and the way things are going. So many times you must have heard – yourself or others, complaining about not knowing the difference between what is right and what is wrong? I found my right. He was the solution to all my problems. I’d like to take a moment here and pat myself on the back and say that I played it smart! How? I took that right feeling and tried to find it in the other aspects of my life. So every time I get that right feeling, I know it’s want I want and I know it’ll fit in just fine.

Life had always been a gamble and going with the flow was the thing to do. But in the process of it being my adrenaline, it became my biggest enemy. It makes you lazy and laid back. It makes you do stupid things and say things you can never take back. You stop using your mind altogether. It’s bad for your integrity. Worse for your creativity and it means for you to not channel your energy and thinking in any particular situation! And so I realised, I didn’t want to go with the flow anymore. Life is too short to go with the flow. So I became the flow.

Yours sincerely,

until next time,

This, is the Hensroom.

27.08.2014

Society! You Crazy Breed!

A place you call home.
The society discombobulates me. We all want a prudent society, a sagacious one. We want to live in a world which is not discerning and judgemental. But all we get is trepidation. All we get is a convolute society. It’s almost like the good part is done and dusted and we, are the dregs of society. I happened to have come across an article about a man who left this so called beautiful life given to him in order to live in the woods. He lived in the woods for 27 years until last year when he was forced out of the forest and arrested for burglary and theft. Christopher Thomas Knight, popularly known as the Hermit, now, is a conundrum to society and will always be remembered as a pet peeve in the Maine neighbourhood.

http://www.gq.com/news-politics/newsmakers/201409/the-last-true-hermit?src=longreads&printable=true

I was a ditz after reading this. As a reporter, it would be a dream to interview him. This is when journalism pays off. Moments like these. Situations as this. I can relate to him on so many different levels but I or any one else will never truly understand his state of mind. While reading this piece, I would periodically pause in between the article and just space out. I was overcome with emotion, one too many times. The thought of the modern day world and how he would cope with this mad world was beyond my understanding. How he will be at this moment! He, out of everyone deserves to live. The amount of times I felt so small and the number of times I questioned society during this read, I have never done in my life. I have also never read an article slower than this. It is a lot to digest. His laconism said it all.

I cannot remember his exact words but somewhere in the article he says, he can’t understand why people in jail get intimidated by silence because to him, silence is peace.

On that note, I shall take your leave.

Yours sincerely,

Until next time,

This, is the Hensroom.

24.08.2014

The Mystery Behind Feeling Fat!

The Juice.

The Juice.

How frustrating it is when your friend calls herself fat when she’s actually easily 7-10 kgs thinner than you! How infuriating it is when skinny girls obsess over putting on weight and just how blood boiling it is when they tell you – when you’re the one on the plumper side (comparatively) – that you’re the one who is thin! Really now?

More than half an hour in a mall with a woman and you’ll hear it. More often than not, you will hear it in the dressing room. Some believe it’s a good way to ‘bond’! Talking about weight issues and passing negative energy is bonding to women these days? When did we become such cynics!

So what is the mystery behind calling yourself fat really? Is the the fact that you want your friend to give you the staple answer you’ve been getting from everyone? The ‘Not at all. If you’re the one who’s fat, what am I?’ because if you truly believe you are, then nothing I say is going to make you believe that you are not. Just in case I do say, ‘Yes, you do look like you have put on some weight’, there is obviously a chance where you might get really offended and never call me back or that I might further depress your already depressed soul! But the truth is, that when you constantly hear such negative things, specially when it comes from your own mouth, you’re bound to believe it after a point. You will have reached a point where you would have convinced yourself that you are overweight. Now don’t get me wrong, for women who are really fat without a disease or a problem, you are a sloth and a hog and extremely lazy and you really should do something about it.

There are many things that drive me up a wall, but hearing women being disparaging about themselves is at the top of my list of pet peeves. It’s just not cool. It’s not productive, it’s not healthy. It is totally detrimental.

It seems like women these days, who aren’t even close to being overweight are giving themselves a tough time. For no absolute reason. You can blame the media, you can blame them sexy models. You can blame the skimpily clad sizzling hot women but in reality it’s just a disease that we’re passing on from one woman to another. A disease that makes you feel unworthy of anything including having the right to be happy. So everyone, STOP IT! Start to feel good about yourselves. Stay fit, eat healthy do what it takes to feel good because to be very honest, there are things worth worrying about rather than your non existent fat body.

P.S – If you think that men like the lanky women more than your boobs and butt, trust me they oh so like the meat.

Yours sincerely,

Until next time,

This, is the Hensroom.

Dated: 13.08.2014