Happimess.

It’s been a struggle at work today. I just haven’t seem to have found the inspiration to. My mind’s been all over the place and for someone who’s pretty focused, this always seems to unsettle the horse in me. As a result, I decide to have coffee. Something I usually avoid because my heart and mind seem to race at the speed of lightning. To be honest, I secretly miss that feeling. I used to be an avid coffee drinker but somewhere I stopped because I was always so clustered in the brain that I would freeze. Funnily enough, I have been really calm lately and even though that’s a great thing, it’s a fairly new feeling for me to get used to. Amidst this all I realize how I hadn’t written in a while, so I open wordpress only to find that it had been 17 months and 20 days since I last wrote. That also means I have been an absolute mess since the past 14 months. 3 months and 20 days would probably be recovery time and today is a beautiful day.

I even had a “#thoughtsoncoffee – If I can recognize your hands, know that I love you.

That’s me. A creep basically. There is just one person in my 25 years of living whose hands I remembered. I don’t anymore is the good news, but I remember that feeling of knowing how his hands looked like, how I could sketch them with my eyes closed. How I could intricately shade every curve to perfection and I haven’t’ felt that sort of love ever. That is when I knew in that instance that for me it does come down to this.

Coming back to it’s been a while since I wrote… here I am writing my first article of the year! Feels pretty darn good, I have to admit!

I don’t have anything in particular to say so I’m just going to rant because that’s what I want to do. Like I said, I’m all over the place and there are so many things racing in my mind. I’m sure you’ve experienced that before.. or you’re lucky if you haven’t.

The entire day, I’ve just been thinking about how much more I need to grow as a person. Every person has a reason to be here, and while I may still be figuring what my purpose of existence might be, I do believe in constantly being the best I can and being a better person. I have always believed that there is no better teacher than travel. I want to go to every corner of the world and make memories. learn about things I didn’t even know may have existed. I want to meet people. I want to share the love I have inside me. I want to love everyone. I want to accept the love that comes my way. I have so much to give. I want to give. I want to be a person with a biggest heart that ever existed in the face of humanity (especially considering the fact that I feel like I have a small heart). Ever wanted to be that person? I just don’t know where to start. I even get scared talking to anyone about it because I don’t know if anyone would ever understand my desperation. I don’t want to freak anyone out or say things where the listener’s basically like okay, she’s flipped her nut! I don’t care what they think but what’s the point in sharing my thoughts with somebody when they may not understand me. Yeah, I won’t know until I try but I need signs to know that one may understand. I can see how it would be difficult for someone to understand.

I’ve also been thinking about love lately and about putting myself out there again. I only recently broke up, a long overdue break up. But there is this one guy.. I do find myself being weirdly me with him, because I really didn’t think it would happen. I wasn’t trying or looking even. It just happened. It confuses me at times. That is why the timing of this article is ironical because I was such a different person a year back while writing my last article and I am in such a better place right here, right now. I do like that. I only hope for it to be better. I know life has it’s ups and downs, but I don’t know what it is in my heart, it’s this inkling where I just feel like there don’t have to be downs. I can get what I want. I can be who I want. I can do what I wish to and the world is at my feet. I feel powerful in a good way, in a way where I feel like no-one can touch me. No one can shake me. I feel strong. I just don’t know if I’ve made my peace with that feeling. Because I’ve never experienced this before but i am warming up to it! I’m happy with the way I am, how I am. Maybe I’ve accepted myself in a way, I hadn’t before. I just really desperately need to work on my communication skills and expressing myself when I really should. I have a major problem with that and I am working on it, yes. I am.

I was also rethinking my stand on completion of two souls. Do I want to complete someone else? I somehow don’t enjoy that phrase a lot. Or would I like for two souls to be whole by themselves and then meet, wouldn’t it be nicer that way? To just be whole by yourself? To not need anyone. Because then you have no selfish reason to be in it, you’re in it because you want to not because you need to because you’re incomplete. It just makes much more sense.

Anyhow. My take on love? I have always been a blind, die-hard, hopeless romantic. I have never been an ‘almost’ kind of girl. Neither have I ever been happy accepting almost. It did take me time to figure it out but I just can’t stand it. You’re either in it or you’re not. And the thing about that is, deep in your heart you know exactly what you want. You just need the courage to say it out loud. I can’t settle for ‘almost’. I can’t and I won’t. I would like you to give this your all because you will have my all. My 100 percent. My soul will be yours to keep safe. I would like you to keep it safe. Not almost keep it safe! I like being an extremist. There is just so much passion in it rather than being mediocre about things. That’s one thing I am passionate about, love. My world begins and ends with love.

Anyway. So, I may not feel as strongly as I have in the past, but I guess I have my reasons for that. I could dive, but I don’t like to swim or the water and i’d be diving into the shallow. Which intern is only going to hurt me so maybe i’ll just take the steps instead. You know? I feel safer like that. Not because I want to test the waters but for the simple reason that I am more comfortable doing that. Things at my pace, with no added stress or someone pushing me. I am in a pretty complicated situation if I must say. I just don’t trust myself to have so much patience and I’m scared to not be especially because I care. I hope I see this through because I do really like him. It’s just that it such a sad sad situation. Honestly, It doesn’t bother me because like I said, I didn’t “almost” trust him. I trusted him and hence I’m not worried. I want to see this through and that’s what matters. No one is forcing me to do this. I am voluntarily a part of this. I just hope to get the appropriate appreciation and consideration for it. Appreciation is key.

I don’t care about the money, I don’t care about fame, I just want to travel. For that yes, I do have to work, and work I will, but that isn’t what drives me to wake up every morning. It’s my dream to travel the world that does. I have a lump in my throat. That’s how overwhelming it is to talk about it. To make a difference, to inspire people in whatever it is they want to do. I hope that someday I can change the world. Change the way it works. Change the process of the way it works. Make people understand that the superficial things they care about shouldn’t matter. Just because you’re better off without them. You’re better of letting go of everything that’s holding you back and holding you back from reaching your highest potential. I do believe every person is capable of reaching a level of achievement high enough to astonish them! That’s what they need to believe in- themselves. That they can. They will. Everyone will. The world is a great place. Just let it be and don’t think otherwise.

I feel grateful for the family I have and the people I have around me. I know they say you can choose the kind of people you want in your life, and I want every single one of them because I have carefully selected them. That is why I think they deserve so much more from me than I offer and I try harder every single time because i just don’t think I do justice to them. The way everyone has always stood beside me no matter what and been there for me in times of need, it is the greatest gift of all time. The amount they love me, I feel it. Everyone, combined has taught me how to love. I wish i could express and make him understand this too. Trying to distance myself if I must at all, will make me very sad. I have spent 14 very important years of my life with these people and they are a part of me. Every single person in my life has taught me so much, has shown me so much. I am a little of everyone. I have a little of everyone I have ever come across and that’s what makes me, me. There is not a soul here that could replace me and that is because of the people in my life.

There is one person who might have brought upon and been responsible for a lot of change in my life and way of being in the recent past.. Little Samira. My baby niece. She’s going to be 18 months in exactly 8 days and she is the sweetest baby ever. I just look at her and atleast once a day have tears in my eyes, just looking at her, thinking, how beautiful and pure and honest this little child is. She’s exceptionally cute. I want her to grow up and think that I’m the best aunt ever. I want her to idolize me for all the right reasons, I want to be someone who she looks up to. It basically just boils down to that. I want to be the best for her so that when she grows up she’s proud that I am her masi.

Did you really think I was joking about being all over the place? I am a happimess and I do enjoy it.

Until next time,

This is the hensroom (:

31.08.2016

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